Rabbi Moss: What If I'm Already the Perfect Husband?

Question of the Week:


	The Kabbalah of Cheese why this Shavuos will be the highest ever

I keep hearing that during this time of isolation we should be improving our relationships. Thank G-d my marriage of over 15 years is amazing, and I honestly can't see how I can be a better husband than I am already. I'm not boasting and my wife agrees. I treat her like a queen and never raise my voice, even when she upsets me. I listen and do everything to make her happy, which isn't always easy to do. Am I fooling myself or is there a point that you can say you can't do any better?

Answer:

Sounds like you do all the right things, and say all the right things. That's a credit to you. But there is another layer of relating that you didn't mention. Apart from doing and saying, there is thinking. And even if you do what a good husband should do, and say the things your wife needs to hear, you may not always be thinking what a truly devoted spouse should be thinking.

I can't read your mind. But here are some thoughts that may have crossed it:

"Why does she always complain about every detail? Why can't she be more like my friend's wife who is always positive and happy-go-lucky? I bet she never criticises him like my wife digs into me. After all I have done for her! She can really get under my skin sometimes..."

I know you would never say any of this out loud. And just thinking it alone may seem harmless. But it isn't. Thoughts have power. They shape your outlook, they create a mood. And they don't remain inside. Unspoken thoughts accumulate into a bundle of resentment. In time they will be expressed as anger in some form, perhaps not verbally, perhaps not even directed at your wife. But someone will suffer from it.

We learn the power of thought from the last of the Ten Commandments, "Do not covet your neighbour's wife." The word 'covet' is used only when quoting the Ten Commandments. It means desiring something that isn't yours. Even if you do nothing wrong, the thought is already a problem.

I have no doubt you are a great husband. But great can also get better. So here's a challenge. Stop thinking negative thoughts about your wife. When they arise, push them away, by replacing them with warm and loving thoughts. What do you think?

Good Yom Tov and Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Sources:

Sefer Hachinuch and Ibn Ezra on Vaeschanan, who understand the prohibition to apply to thoughts even without any plan of action.

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SHABBOS SONGS AUDIO

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In these crazy times, you have to recreate the holy energy of shul in your home. To help you learn songs, here are recordings of the Friday night tunes we sing at Nefesh, created by the super-talented Zalmy Okunov. Download and listen to them during the week, so when it comes to Shabbos, you can be the chazan! Note: they are not to be played on Shabbos itself - nothing can replace your own voice on Shabbos!

CLICK HERE OR ON THE IMAGE BELOW. ENJOY!

SHABBOS SERVICES & COMMUNITY INFORMATION: SHAVUOS & SHABBOS

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The Nefesh community looks forward to getting back together! We will do so when the relevant authorities approve gatherings that can include more than the bare minimum of a minyan. We would rather wait until it is safe for more of us to come to shul, than start with an exclusive small group. We hope that time will be very soon.

In the meantime, make your Shabbos special by doing your own little service at home. Here are some instructions. Page numbers are from the blue Chabad Siddur. Don't have one? You can download it here and print it.

Thursday 28 May - 5 Sivan

Remember Eruv Tavshillin p327

Light Candles....................... 4:37pm

Before 4:55pm..................... Mincha p118

After 5:23pm........... Shavuos Evening service p161, Amida p331

Kiddush for Festivals............. p329

Friday 29 May - 6 Sivan

Morning Service for Shavuos: p5-25, p181-219, Amidah for Festivals p331, Hallel p307, Torah Reading for First Day Shavuos TEN COMMANDMENTS p520, Mussaf p339, Kiddush for Festivals p357.

Light Candles (from existing flame)......4:37pm

Before 4:55pm:.................................Mincha p253, Amida p331

After 5:23pm Shabbos & Festival evening service p156, Amida p331

Kiddush for Festivals............. p329

Saturday 30 May - 7 Sivan

Morning Service for Shabbos & Shavuos:

p5-25, p181-219, Amidah for Festivals p331, Hallel p307, Torah Reading for Second Day Shavuos p523, Yizkor p337, Mussaf p339, Kiddush for Shabbos/Festivals p248 and p357.

Virtual Kiddush sponsored by Martine Springer in honour of the upcoming yortzheit for her late father, Ralph Schuftan on 14 Sivan/ Saturday 6 June - Long Life.

Before 4:55pm .................... Mincha p253, Amida p331

After 5:35pm ...................... Maariv p161

Shabbos & Yom Tov End....... 5:35pm

Havdala p297

Latest Shema this week.......... 9:19am

This week's Facebook Live Shiur by Rabbi Moss is sponsored by The Goldshaft family in honour of the yortzheit of Leon Israel Rosenthal - Long Life.

BIRTHDAYS

Nicholas Maksimovich............................... 9 Sivan/ Monday 1 June

YORTZHEITS

Richelle Goldshaft & Rob Goldshaft for their late father and grandfather Leon Israel Rosenthal, Leib Yisrael ben Shmuel......................... 7 Sivan/ Saturday 30 May

Mark Gindin & Faina Strier for their late father Ilya Gindin

Eliyahu ben Mordechai........................... 7 Sivan/ Saturday 30 May

Rosalie Cohen, Gilda Cohen-Shapira and Lee-Anne Whitten for their late husband, brother and father Edward Cohen Tuvia ben Moshe.........8 Sivan/ Sunday 31 May

Nicholas Levy for his late grandmother Ruby Levy,

Rifka ben Daniel ........................................ 8 Sivan/ Sunday 31 May

Allen Rosenberg for his late wife Anita Louise Rosenberg

Channah bat Laizer.................................... 9 Sivan/ Monday 1 June

Abie Greengarten for his late mother Musia Greengarten

Chana Miriam bas Shlomo Halevi........... 10 Sivan/ Tuesday 2 June

Jenny Kantorovich for her late grandfather Semion Kantorovich,

Shlomo ben Shalom........................... 11 Sivan/ Wednesday 3 June

Danny Kidron for his late father Leslie Kidron

Zalman ben Zwi.......................................... 13 Sivan/ Friday 5 June

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