Thursday, July 29, 2010

Why Men Just Don't Get It!

Question of the Week:

 

My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?

 

Answer:

 

This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.

 

There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.

 

This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others. A man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.

 

Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: while there are of course many exceptions, generally speaking, man's natural state is to be single, woman's natural state is to be in a couple.

 

There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve.

 

Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us. This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being.

 

Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.

 

So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you would not feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.

 

Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time. You can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.

 

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss
 
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Thursday, July 22, 2010

So What's Your Excuse?

Question of the Week:

 

Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul? I used to go, but I started to notice that in my shul, the rich people get more noticed and average people like me were overlooked. So I stopped going. If you need to be wealthy to be respected I want no part of it. Am I right or wrong?

Answer:

You are the third person this week to explain to me why they don't go to shul. This happens to me all the time. At almost every function I attend, a wedding, kid's birthday party or communal gathering, someone comes up to me and says, "Rabbi, do you know why I don't go to shul...."

I have never asked anyone why they don't go to shul. I don't even know these people.  And yet they feel the need to share with me their particular Jewish gripe, either about the unfriendly rabbi or the arrogant cantor, the grandfather who forced them to pray or the G-d who didn't answer their prayers.

It's funny, I don't feel the need to justify to my dentist why I never go to him, or the local gym why they never see me. And yet when people see a rabbi they are overcome with an urge to explain their absence from shul.

Mind you, the people who do attend shul don't seem to have a good reason why they come. Even someone who has not been to shul in years can rock up to a service, and without any justification for their sudden appearance, they walk in, take a prayer book and sit down, as if they always belonged there.

Because they do belong there. A Jew needs no reason to be in shul. There is no explanation necessary.  Most of the time, they themselves don't know why they started coming to shul. And so they offer no rationalization. You only need a reason not to go to shul. But to go, no reason is required. I am here because I am Jewish, and going to shul is Jewish.

This is why I love hearing those alibis people present for not being in shul. A Jew needs a reason not to connect to Judaism. Some may have pretty good reasons, like yours. But they are reasons nonetheless. A Jew needs no reason to connect to Judaism. It is who we are.

If you don't like your shul, find another one. Until you do, all the justifications in world won't change the fact that you're a Jew, and a Jew wants to be Jewish.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Are Your Hands Clean?

Question of the Week:

 

What is the meaning behind the ritual washing of hands before meals? Was this some ancient Jewish version of hygiene?

Answer:

One of the laws of the hand washing ritual is that the hands must already be completely clean before you wash them.  You first clean the hands of any dirt, and only then do you pour water from a cup over each hand three times.

This is ridiculous: the prerequisite to washing hands is that they be clean?! The ritual washing of hands has no visible effect. It seemingly does nothing. So why do we do it?

The hand washing before meals has nothing to do with hygiene. It is not about cleanliness. It is about holiness.

Cleanliness is a physical state. By removing dirt you become clean. But holiness is an entirely spiritual concept. Holiness means a sense of something beyond, something higher, something with a higher purpose. You can be completely clean, but that doesn't mean you're holy.

You can have two business people who work side by side. They are both honest and good people. They are both clean. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one uses his wealth to help the poor and needy, while the other accumulates wealth purely for himself and his family. He is clean. He is not a bad man. But he is not holy.

You can have two plates of food. Both are made of healthy ingredients and prepared to the highest standards of hygiene. There is no visible difference between them. And yet one plate is kosher food, the other not. Kosher food is not healthier or cleaner. It is holy. It is prepared according to divine standards with a higher purpose in mind.

You can have two pairs of hands. Both have been cleaned and are spotless. And yet one hand has been ritually washed, the other not. There is no detectable difference between them. But these hands are holy, those are not.

Holiness means connecting to something higher. It means living with an awareness that not all dirt is visible, and we don't always see the effect of our actions. So before engaging in physical activity, before consuming the fruit of our handiwork, we wash our hands. They may be clean already, but we must ensure that they are pure and holy too.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

 

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Tisha B'av at Nefesh 
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