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| So You're Kind. But Are You Considerate |
Is it acceptable to be non-kosher as a parent and require your children to be kosher? I was brought up kosher, and remained so until my late 20's. I loved growing that way, as it provided me a clear Jewish identity, it made me aware of my Jewish responsibilities, and I feel it gave me the confidence to tell non-Jewish people around me that I was Jewish (as I could not eat various things at work events), and also strength of character to say 'no' to things that may be tempting, a character trait I continue to carry forward into my adult life.
In my 20's, I felt old enough to make a decision as to whether I wanted to be kosher or not, and started eating non-kosher meat. Both my kids are under 10 years old and are kosher and I'd like them to remain so until they are old enough to make an informed choice (like I did). It would be a lot harder for them to go from non-kosher to kosher in the future than the other way around.
I get told by certain people around me (including my wife) that I'm being hypocritical, either I should become kosher again, or my kids should have the choice to be non-kosher now. I've been pushing back saying it is not hypocritical, as I was kosher until my 20's when I could make an informed decision and they can do the same, so I'm being consistent.
I'd value your thoughts.
Answer:
Let me firstly say that I think it is great that you are bringing up your kids to eat kosher. That's the Jewish way. And it's great your wife tells you how wrong you are. That's also the Jewish way.
But I don't think you are a hypocrite. Rules can be different for kids and for adults. I'm sure when you were a kid, your parents hold their hand when you cross the road. But now you cross all by yourself. So should your kids be allowed to cross themselves too? Not everything adults can do kids can do. So it is not hypocritical to make kids keep kosher when the parents don't.
But by doing so, you are not achieving your stated goal. You want your kids to have the kosher childhood you had. And they are not getting it.
You grew up in a home where both parents kept kosher, and imparted that value on their children. The clarity of identity that this gave you was because your parents, consciously or not, conveyed being kosher and living Jewishly as a conviction that they believe in for themselves, and so they want to share it with you.
But you are not giving your children that clarity. If you don't keep kosher yourself, then consciously or not, you are teaching your kids that at the end of the day it doesn't really matter if you do or don't eat kosher. This is the message your kids are getting, even if they never actually see you eating non-kosher. Teaching others to do something you don't do simply can't be convincing. Kids can sense the passion behind your words, or lack thereof.
The subtlety of your argument, that you chose to not keep kosher as an adult and you are letting them do the same, is lost on them. All they know is that kosher is not important enough for you to keep. Like holding hands when you cross the street, it's just something you do as a kid until you're big enough to drop it.
So if you truly want to give your children the gift that you had, to learn those vital lessons of identity, self control and pride in who you are, you need to be living it yourself. Which means weighing what is more important to you - the convenience of eating what you want, or the fulfilment in teaching your children what you believe. It may demand some measure of sacrifice on your part, but as the devoted father you are, I think you can do it.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss 
