Thursday, November 5, 2009

Why Am I Still Single?

Question of the Week:
I enjoy reading your emails and figured I would send you a question of my own. I'm 35 and still single. I look around and see all my friends married, and I wonder what I am doing wrong. People love to tell me I'm picky and that I am looking for the wrong things when the truth is I really don't think I am. I think I'm a very level headed and rational person, but I've just been meeting the wrong guys which is why I am always the one to end the relationship. Is it possible that my time hasn't come yet, or am I to blame for being picky and not "settling" with a guy until now?
I don't think you are picky, and I don't think you should just settle for any old guy. It could be that your time hasn't come yet. But if you find that you are always the naysayer, maybe it's time to try a different approach. Though I don't know you personally, here is a wild thought you may not have considered before.
Do you really want to get married? Or is it possible that you are actually too comfortable being single?
As ridiculous as it sounds, I have met many people who on the one hand say they want nothing more than to settle down with a life partner, and they are doing all they can to meet their soulmate, but in actual fact they do everything in their power to make sure no relationship gets too serious. These people go into a date just waiting to find that one reason to say no and let it fail.
This may be as a result of hurts from the past. Previous relationships that resulted in disappointment and heartbreak can leave us disillusioned and jaded.  Or it may be an unwillingness to part with the comforts of the status quo. Sometimes it seems easier to stay single and alone rather than make the effort necessary to share a life with someone else. Or there may be deeper personality issues. Whatever it is, if you find yourself sabotaging every promising relationship and ending it before it gets serious, you may need to work on yourself to recapture your faith and open your heart again.
This may not be your problem at all. Maybe you keep saying no because you just haven't met the right guy yet. There are many wonderful people out there, just like you, who have simply not yet found their soulmate. Give your search over to G-d. Recognise that you need Him to guide you. Cry to Him. And then be open. If you are ready, he is ready.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
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