Thursday, August 4, 2011

Still Haven't Clicked?

Question of the Week:


My girlfriend of two years isn't sure she wants to get married because she thinks something is missing. She can't define it, but just says she feels "it" hasn't clicked. I felt a click a long time ago and would very much like to marry and spend my life with her. She knows she loves me but has doubts because she isn't feeling "it". We are just going around in circles and it is driving me crazy. What do you think I can do?
This clicking thing causes a lot of problems. Some people are quick clickers. Others take more time. It sounds like your click was too quick.
It often happens that one party develops feelings faster than the other. But it can complicate things. It seems that when you clicked on, she clicked off. As soon as she knew that she has you, that you are in, that your mind is made up, her heart got lazy. She knew she didn't have to work hard for you any more, she no longer needed to put in any effort, and so her feelings stalled. And she is still stuck there, unclicked and unable to develop her emotions for you.
There is only one solution. She needs to feel that she may lose you. She needs to feel that she must win you over again, that you are not a done deal. You have to give her the chance to feel that she needs you in her life, and that she needs to win you back.
The best way to achieve this is to take a break from each other. And you have to initiate it. Tell her that you respect her feelings of doubt, but you can't just keep dangling around. It is not good for either of you, nor for the relationship. Suggest that by not seeing each other for a while you will both have the space to clarify your feelings and decide whether to take the next step together, or to move apart.
This should not be presented as a false threat, but rather as an honest and mature approach to solve the stalemate you have reached. It will be hard for you to say it, but say it you must. She needs to hear that you won't hang around forever. And let me tell you, if she really is the one for you, just hearing that you want a break may be all it takes to get her heart clicking.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

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