Thursday, June 28, 2012

Forget About Finding Your Soulmate

Question of the Week:


I am seeing this guy very seriously, but one thing bothers me. How do in know if he is my soulmate? How can I be sure that he is the other half of my soul? I am terrified to make a decision without being certain. I have heard of a clairvoyant who can tell you if you are soulmates based on your birthdays and past lives. Should I go to her, just to be sure?


Everything has its time. There are times when we should think about who our soulmate is. And there are times when we shouldn't. The problem is most of us get the timing the wrong way around.

When you are alone and single, and it seems that there are no prospects for love on the horizon, it is vital to remember that you have a soulmate. Someone out there was made for you, and you for them. They are waiting to meet you. Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe you already met them and you just have to open your eyes. It is a matter of time before you meet your other half. It will happen.

Without this belief, despair may be a logical conclusion. Maybe I was made to be single, maybe my in-laws decided not to have any children. Who's to say that I will ever get married? The answer: There's someone for everyone. There's always hope. Keep the faith.

The other time in life when the soulmate belief is beneficial is after you are married. Every marriage faces challenges, and every good relationship goes through rough patches. It is at those moments that it is essential to remember that you are married to the other half of your soul. While you think that you chose your spouse, really G-d chose your spouse, He made you for each other, and He led you to meet and fall in love. The decision to marry was divinely inspired, out of your hands, beyond your control. This is what was meant to be, this is the one.

Otherwise we can spend our lives thinking what would have been. What if I would have married the other guy, what if I would have left her and found someone else? We need to have the conviction that marriage is divinely ordained. This person beside me is my soulmate, the missing half of my soul, and we belong together, it could be no other way, so we had better work things out.

So when we are alone and losing hope, or when we are married and losing faith, we need to remember that we have a soulmate. But there is a time when the belief in a soulmate can be distracting and unproductive. And that is when we are dating.

When you are in a relationship already, but you haven't made the big step of commitment, at that point, the whole soulmate thing can confuse you. You shouldn't be looking for a soulmate then. You need to look at the actual person in front of you. You need to get to know their personality, their character, their values and their aspirations. You can't see their soul. You don't even know what your own soul looks like, let alone your soulmate.

So forget about it. Don't ask yourself, is this my soulmate? Rather ask whether the human being you are seeing is a good person, do they share your beliefs, can you communicate, are you going in the same direction, do you want similar things out of life. Who cares when their birthday is, or which star sign they are, or whether they are a reincarnation of your favourite opera singer? None of that will help you in your future together.

Stop looking for signs from heaven. The signs are here on earth. If you have found a connection with someone good for you, go for it, and leave the connection of your souls to G-d.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

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